The "A" word (for grownups only)

When life kicks you in the squishy bits, sometimes F bombs just aren't enough

Getting Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and not knowing that you have it can be a real vocabulary builder. 

When you don’t drink and have to swear off caffeine, sugar, perfume and most saturated fat for health reasons, sometimes cussing is all you have, you know?

But there was one word that I avoided. It’s a word with a troubled history in the personal development world.

 A dangerous, seductive word. 

A word some gurus warn about and caution against.

A word that unlocks a way of being that changes everything.

For two straight years, I was on the energy rollercoaster. 

Because when you have CFS, you go through periods where you feel almost okay (not endurance athlete okay, just not sick okay). And if you amp up your activity level (logical, since you’re already feeling guilty for leaning so heavily on those around you), you crash. 

And crash badly. 

And if you crash often enough, your baseline level of wellness actually dips - possibly permanently.

For two whole years, I rode an emotional rollercoaster of thinking, “It must be in my head,” during the up phases only to crash painfully and without warning or logic. 

I will tell you this - chronic illness rewrites the rules. A great work ethic and the ability to push through resistance can actually be a BAD THING. If I had David Goggins’s ability to persevere, I’d likely be dead by now.

Instead of working or working out, I have to rest like it’s my full time job!! It’s a total mind fuck for someone wired like me.

I literally wear a special bracelet on my wrist to remind me to not work out (other than stretching and some yin yoga) even when I have energy. Because having energy seems to switch on this amnesia and I just default to the type A human I’ve always been.

Type A… interesting, that letter. Because it stands for the very word I’d been avoiding this whole time

Acceptance.

Healing only really started when I accepted that I may never be fully well. That I may never return to marathon running or weight lifting or long hikes.

Acceptance wasn’t what I thought it would be.

I used to think acceptance was a loss of hope. Where you think, “This sucks and it will suck forever.”

No wonder I didn’t want to hear it.

What I’m really only beginning to realize is that acceptance is more like, “This is where I am right now.” And feeling every emotion that comes up (SO hard to do).

Acceptance is also being open to joy and happiness returning in distinctly different flavours than those that I’d been used to. Where I might have felt exhilarated after a 2 hour run, I now feel the same exhilaration when I slowly walk a half mile. Or when I don’t walk at all but wake refreshed from a nap.

Some of the thoughts I had as I experimented with acceptance:

“If I can only have my mind sharp for an hour per day, I will use that hour to produce work (likely writing) that matters.”

“If I lose function in my hands and am not able to journal, I will teach myself to dictate and continue to write and express myself that way.” In fact, this thought galvanized me to start teaching myself the skill of dictation right away so I’m not waiting for the axe to fall.

Acceptance, it turns out, is about taking a clear-eyed look at your present circumstances and choosing to make the most of them. 

That sounds simple.

It is approximately as pleasant as bathing a cat with a pissed off wet dog taped to your head.

What acceptance isn’t is a lack of hope. 

I allow myself to imagine being fully functional (I allow the details to remain fuzzy - so I don’t know if there are any ultra marathons in my future). I allow myself to experiment with new treatment options and supplements. 

But I have accepted that progress will likely be measured in months and years rather than weeks. And that I’ll be growing some patience. And that my focus needs to remain on making the right here right now with all its inglorious limitations the best day ever.

Not trying to “fix it” has set me free in a really weird way.

So if you’re stuck in any sort of Upside Down - be it physical, emotional, relational, spiritual or financial, give yourself time each day to just be with all the emotions that come up for you.

If you don’t know how to do this, definitely get on the waitlist for my journaling course. I’m hoping that will will go live any day now.

Know that you’re not alone or broken or crazy or a lost cause.

Remember that Elizabeth Gilbert wrote Eat, Pray, Love and inspired a worldwide movement after she spent months suicidal after the collapse of her marriage and after more than a decade of not getting anywhere as a writer.

Oprah herself tried to commit suicide when she was pregnant at 14. What would the world have missed if she had succeeded?

What if J K Rowling had believed the 12 publishers who rejected her Harry Potter series?

If you’re struggling, get help.

If that feels daunting, grab a pen or your keyboard and write down what you’re feeling. This is what I did and it changed everything.

Write your worries on paper. And then turn the page and find something  big or small - anything - to celebrate. Something you did that you’re proud of. Something you’re grateful for. Some positive influence you’ve had on someone else.

They’re both true. Your worries and your wonders.

Lean into wonder,

xoxo

Geeta